Hockey Fans!

Here is a list of the kind of people you will find at a hockey gaem. Most of them I want to hit....if I missed a group feel free to let me know.

Confused Girl
She is usually blond, wears, some kind of Gap sweater, a trendy scarf and heels (but as much as you pray she eats shit, she never does). She asks multiple questions about rules and "why that guy is headed to time out" but is generally not in any way interested in the game. Her favorite part of the night is either when the cheerleaders came out with free shirts, or when the arena played "Sweet Caroline" and she sang along. Rarely seen without 'Mr. Loafers.'

Mr. Loafers
This guy would much rather be somewhere getting a manicure but attends hockey, or any sporting event only to look manly. He brings with him 'Confused Girl' and spends the majority of the game explaining his version of the rules of the game. Easily spotted because this guy is usually waring a visor with his hair spiked around it and loafers with no socks. When 'Confused Girl" asks questions he says things like "Oh he got a pushing penalty, or refers to the periods as quarters" A personal favorite of mine was when the goalie was pounding his stick on the ice to let his team know that someone was coming out of the penalty box, a girl asked her Mr. Loafers "why is he hitting the ice like that, he looks mean" to which he said, and I am not kidding you in the least, "Well Buffy (not really her name but its fits and makes me laugh) he is doing that to get his team the increase their intensity, he is getting them excited and pepped up." So in essence Mannino was a cheerleader in pads, try to get that picture out of your head....

Ms. My Children are "gifted"....aka special
This lady coddles her children stopping only short of having them on a 'kid leash'. They are rotten spoiled brats that will only hear the word no when they enter the real word and cut the cord. This lady pushes her kids to the front of everything and will actually cover her children's ears when the word "suck" is used. To which I say if your child is so special....stop eating the paste, put your helmet back on special...then don't bring them to a hockey game, take them to see ice dancing, surely there is no booing or yelling at something like that. My inspiration for this title actually sits directly in front of me...and rest assured that I fit the word 'suck' in to every sentence, and she covers her children (who look like they are nearing their teens by the way) ears for the majority of the game.

The Losers
Pretty self-explanatory....the other team. Seated on the bench, wearing helmets, easily spotted because they are crying in the corner and looking around dumbfounded while getting pummeled on the ice. This person has recently moved out of mom's house who is...you guessed it...Ms. My Children are "gifted"....aka special.

Desperate Girl
She attends sporting events looking for the future Mr. Desperate Girl, hoping a player will somehow look in to the stands and decide he is deeply in love with her. She spends an eternity on her hair and wardrobe which usually consists of little to no clothing and in most cases involves some kind of unfortunate use of spandex. Generally seems to be a nice person and spends a great deal of the game sipping on some kind of mixed drink. Unfortunately the only person she goes home with is the middle aged hockey addict that is too drunk to notice the spandex.

The Fun Group
This group of people is always fun, they laugh, joke and actually watch the game. In college this is the student section and at the Pepsi Center its the section I am in! This group is always pulling out fun cheers, which usually in some way involve the word suck, and they are always wearing some crazy clothing disaster. These people come to the game in a in a banana outfit or in a barrel (a la barrel man). These are my people!

Talk the Whole Time
This either two women out for a girls night or two men whose innermost desires are to wear Manolo Blahnik heels. Why they are even at the game is beyond me because they watch little to none of the game. Instead they discuss current events, the weather, work problems, or their children....and they do so loud enough that I can hear them over my co-conspirator yelling 'suck' just to piss off the Ms. My Children are "gifted"....aka special. Which in case you were wondering....is loud. You can give them the evil stare, which means "shut it" all night but they are completely oblivious and continue chatting, only stopping to rest during the pee wee team playing during intermission or "Saturday Night Sumo." Which is understandable..how funny is that shit...people flailing all over the ice in giant suits who can't get up when they fall....I digress.

The Boys Night Clan
This is a group of, often times recent alumni who just come to watch a game of hockey and drink copious amounts of ridiculously priced beer. During the first period they will yell things that will make their entire section laugh talk about the game and players with their friends and look for the 'desperate girl'. Towards the middle of the second period they are a little too intoxicated to come up with anything funny but still yell something that has 'suck' in it and are still generally pretty entertaining. The third period is when this group really shines! At this point they are too intoxicated to form complete sentences but still yell things and will stand up, link arms and sing and dance along to "Cotton-Eyed Joe." Mostly harmless, but I'm still waiting for the time that one of them falls forward in to the crowd taking two rows with them.

The Die-Hard Fan
No matter the elements this person is always in their seat ready for the game. It seems that this fan is often times more invested in the game than the majority of the players. They know all the stats and can recite them at the drop of a hat.....(I don't actually get this phrase....why are you dropping a hat....anywho) will recite them verbatim. I love these people, but sometimes they pull out info that I didn't know could even exist and is even more useless than Mr. Loafers, but they still know it for some reason.

Family Night
Its always fun to sit near a family that is at a game for the first time. The kids get hockey clothes, foam fingers and a bucket of popcorn while plastered to the glass. Dad explains the actual rules while mom hold the puck the kids caught and freezes.

Mr. I Will Stop at Nothing to Get on the Jumbo-Tron
Forget wearing a banana outfit or painting your face, this guy will stop at nothing to be seen. Whether its some terrible dancing, taking off articles of clothing or finding a cute kid to stand behind he will get on the big screen.